


Feel My Conscience Wearing Thin

by planetarypoe



Series: Forget Sanity, My Morality [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Disgustingly Cute Petnames, Fluff, M/M, Minor Character Death, Picnics, SO MUCH FLUFF, Vaguely Inappropriate Makeout Sessions, spacing fixed, which they talk about neither of them are super affected by it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-09 22:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5558177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planetarypoe/pseuds/planetarypoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We wanted out, no matter what," Finn says. "Or, I know I did, at least. He never made it off that fucking planet to tell me.”</p>
<p>
Poe is speechless, a rare occurrence. “I’m sorry,” he eventually manages.
</p><p>
Finn closes his eyes. “It wasn’t your fault.”
</p><p>
“No,” insists Poe, and he sits up, forcing Finn to do the same, frowning at his boyfriend.
</p><p>
“Poe?” and he’s worried now. Poe doesn’t like it when Finn is worried, and he’s normally ready to relieve him with reassurance and a smile and a joke. This time, though, his mouth feels numb and the words aren’t coming out.
</p><p>
“Poe, whatever’s wrong, just tell me, babe. It’s okay.”
</p><p>
“I think I killed him,” Poe blurts out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feel My Conscience Wearing Thin

**Author's Note:**

> This was so much fun to write I kept smiling. It makes a change from everything else in this series. Enjoy it while it lasts. Title from the Twenty One Pilots song Fall Away. Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!

“But I don’t have a birthday,” Finn is uncomprehending. Something violent flashes behind Poe’s eyes. Finn would do anything to stop that from ever happening again.

“I know, muffin. That’s the point.” 

Finn gets it. It’s like his name, something irreplaceable and intangible and so much more powerful than the Dark Side could ever dream of. This date is now an act of rebellion. 

“But what’s so special about today?” 

“Oh peanut, today is the most important day of the year. It’s your birthday!” 

Poe, ever the drama queen, climbs onto the table, clears his throat, shakes out his hair, and reads – loudly - from an imaginary scroll. “Let it be known throughout the land that my darling treasure, Finn, will from henceforth and forever more celebrate his day of birth upon this very same. Each year, we will remember the day on which was bequeathed to the world this gem, this jewel, and it shall be a day of… rest.” He doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s giving Finn a thorough once-over when he jumps down. 

“Shut the hell up,” Finn says, but he’s blushing. His boyfriend is so damn cute. He’s glad everyone in the mess is looking to see how cute they are together. It’s adorable. 

Poe’s lip curls in the way that makes Finn feel like he’s drowning in the best way. “Make me,” he draws out the sounds of the words and it’s like music to Finn, who does as he’s told. He steps forward and presses their lips together. They ignore the catcalls from around the hall. Poe plays it up for the crowd, draping his arms lavishly across Finn’s shoulders before pressing his hands down into his back pockets, making the kiss slow and passionate. (Finn’s still getting used to being allowed to touch! In front of everyone!) When Finn finally breaks it off, he grins, resting his forehead against Poe’s. 

“About that… rest,” he says. 

Poe laughs. 

“Well, angel face, we have a whole day off today, specially cleared with the higher-ups. Save the best ‘til last, don’t you think?” 

Finn’s anguished face is possibly the best thing Poe has ever seen. 

“Now listen, sparkles, I have the whole day planned out, okay? It’s gonna be gorgeous. Just trust me. First, we have breakfast with all our… colleagues.” Their friends jeer at them. Jess throws a piece of fruit at Poe, which he catches, of course, because he’s perfect, and he takes a bite of it as he continues speaking. 

“Blwen, I bawange-“ Finn scrunches up his face and covers Poe’s mouth. 

“Swallow,” he commands, and immediately regrets his choice of words when Poe grins against his hand and obeys, raising a suggestive eyebrow. 

“Fuck off,” Finn says. 

“Naw, you’d miss me too much. Anyway, on with our less-than-regularly announced forecast: a picnic will have been arranged, with the help of the kitchen guys, and the weather is looking up for finding the cutest little spot for us to enjoy a few hours together. 

“And I imagine this picnic will be very tiring, so there’ll be plenty of time to… rest afterwards.” Poe smiles at Finn. “Sound good, sweet cheeks?” 

“Sounds like it’ll be the best birthday I’ve ever had,” Finn means to make Poe laugh, and he does, but not before that awful anger clouds his gorgeous eyes again. He rephrases. 

“It sounds perfect. You’re perfect. I love you so much, you’re the best boyfriend anyone could ever hope for.” 

Their friends’ reactions vary from gagging to awwing to yelling “get a room,” all of which Finn quite happily ignores when he sees Poe glowing. His gaze doesn’t leave Finn’s as he raises a glass, - which, where did he get that from? – and addresses the whole room again. 

“Ladies, gents, droids and others, please wish Finn, my favourite boy in the whole galaxy, a very happy first birthday!” 

Finn slaps him on the arm as the room fills with cheers. Poe just looks wounded, a hand over his heart, until Finn leans in and kisses him again. 

What did he ever do to deserve Poe? 

*** 

The cutest little spot turns out to be a rock formation on the other side of a hill (“a mountain, scrumpkin, you climbed a mountain!”), and the picnic is gorgeous. Finn’s still getting used to normal food – his idea of normal is a bowl of rice with any vitamins and proteins he needed added in an awful tasting “sauce”. The choice can be overwhelming at times. 

He doesn’t really like to talk about his time with the First Order, but it took up most of his life, meaning they occasionally struggle to find things to talk about. Neither of them really mind the silence, but Finn occasionally babbles about his life Before, because it’s something to fill the quiet, to remind him he exists. Even that feels strange sometimes. 

“We didn’t really talk. At all,” he says. They’re lying together, lazy and full, Finn with his head on Poe’s stomach, one leg dangling off the rocks. Poe’s hand stills where it’s swirling across Finn’s chest. 

“What, not ever?” he asks. 

“No, no, it wasn’t like an oath of silence, or anything. Like, we’d talk over dinner, but mostly about, like, missions and duties and stuff. Nothing real. Nothing like this.” Finn swallows. “Apart from one person.” 

It’s not just Poe’s hand, this time, his whole body goes completely still. 

“There was someone else?” 

“I said it wasn’t like this.” Finn doesn’t know how to describe this. “It was different. Everything was different.” 

Poe’s fingers move again, to rest in Finn’s hair. It’s encouragement enough. 

“We didn’t really talk about real things. Rebellion, or life and death. If we did we’d get marked as free-thinking. So we didn’t talk. But you know, I got real good at reading people, through their masks. I had to. It was how you knew you weren’t alone. Like, I’d be on an exercise or whatever, and I’d just feel this, this pull. And I’d look up and see another trooper, just as bored and tired and frustrated, by this army they call a life.” 

“FN-2156. They didn’t even give us names. We were never more than numbers to them.” 

Poe’s hand finds his, and it’s warm and steady and everything he never used to have, a lifeline to this moment. 

“FN-2156. We didn’t talk a lot, we couldn’t really, but we had each other’s backs, made sure to keep in the same levels and groups. We got our first mission together.” 

“Jakku,” Poe murmurs. 

Finn looks up at him quizzically. 

“What, you think I don’t remember the day I met the love of my life?” 

“You didn’t know I was there,” Finn reminds him gently. 

“I so did. I could feel it. It was the Force,” says Poe, deadly serious. 

Finn chuckles, and it’s the best sound in the universe for Poe. 

“If you say so,” he concedes. 

“And I do,” Poe smiles, popping a grape into his mouth. 

“We got out first mission together,” Finn picks the story back up, after a short silence. “I’m pretty sure we both realised that we really, really did not want to be doing this as soon as the doors opened. We wanted out, no matter what. Or, I know I did, at least. He never made it off that fucking planet to tell me.” 

Poe is speechless, a rare occurrence. “I’m sorry,” he eventually manages. 

Finn closes his eyes. “It wasn’t your fault.” 

“No,” insists Poe, and he sits up, forcing Finn to do the same, frowning at his boyfriend. 

“Poe?” and he’s worried now. Poe doesn’t like it when Finn is worried, and he’s normally ready to relieve him with reassurance and a smile and a joke. This time, though, his mouth feels numb and the words aren’t coming out. 

“Poe, whatever’s wrong, just tell me, babe. It’s okay.” 

“I think I killed him,” Poe blurts out. “FN-2156.” Finn looks confused, but his expression is going to slip into horror any second now, so Poe just keeps talking. 

“I don’t know for certain, but those villagers were rusty shots and there weren’t that many bodies on the ground when I was leaving. I’m pretty sure I got most of the hits in and it was probably me that killed him. I’m so sorry, Finn, I- I don’t know what to say.” Which means he wants Finn to say something. 

“I know,” is not exactly what Poe was expecting. 

“You what?” 

“I know,” says Finn. “Your blaster was standard issue, blue. The villagers had old extras, firing red, the same as us. I saw him go down from a blue shot. I pieced it together.” 

Poe’s staring at him. 

“What, you think I’m not smart enough to piece it together?” 

“No, no,” Poe says. “Just – why don’t you hate me?” 

Finn is expressionless, but it only makes it worse. 

“We both wanted out, whatever it took. I got the lucky option. Maybe he got the easier one. I’d have been happy for any escape route. Mine just happened to be you, you know? I’m pretty sure he felt the same. I nearly died just getting back to the ship, I was so torn up. I’m glad he didn’t have to go through that. You saved both of us. How could I hate you?” 

Poe wants to argue that if he could get Finn out alive he could get another sympathetic Stormtrooper out, damnit, and killing him was nothing like saving him, and he wants Finn to know just how fucking glad he is that he was the escape route that he chose, instead of… a different one. Finn’s jaw is set, though, so he doesn’t push it, and kisses his stiff cheek instead. Finn relaxes under his lips, and Poe pulls him down again. 

Finn is comfortable in the silence for a couple of hours, just listening to the forest and Poe’s heartbeat, and in the end it’s Poe who breaks it. 

“So,” he says. “I’m about ready for a… rest.” 

Finn laughs so loud he swears they could hear it back at the base.


End file.
